It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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