tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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