wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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