9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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