my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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