she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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