"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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