'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
