he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
