you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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