Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
