I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
