If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
