there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sober January is a disaster.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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