when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
