I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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