Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize