oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
