Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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