im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
