I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize