remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
