I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
