he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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