Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
