mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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