Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
