At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
