I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
