..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
