rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
