i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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