Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
