my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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