I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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