If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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