Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
