I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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