sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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