I can tuck mytits in my pants
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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