Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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