He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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