Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
