I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
