wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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