just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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