I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
