i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize