He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
