Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
