I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
