Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
