lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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