Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
