So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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