I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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