I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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