I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
