Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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