Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
