sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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